Dating, Relationships, Self-Discovery

I don’t know what love is nor do I know what being in love feels like. All I understand is that there are days I think about what I’ve felt before and it hurts.

My pain isn’t me blaming the people I have talked to, but rather myself. I blame myself for being too vulnerable, too genuine, and a bit too transparent. Well… I do and I don’t.
There are also days I think about what I’ve felt and it doesn’t hurt.

I’m talking to someone currently. I feel as if I’m comparing how previous people have shown interest towards me with what this person is doing. There are days that I believe him and there are days that I don’t. Although, the last couple people I talked to both ended up ceasing conversation with me due to various reasons and I still believed them. The only difference is that I am scared this time around.

I have felt so strongly for the last couple people and I have been so honest with them. I allowed myself to break down a part of my guard so that they could see who I truly am. I told myself to stop pretending that you didn’t care because you do. I’ve been told that I am very hard to read and I have my defense mechanisms to thank for that. As a result of my breaking a part of my walls down, I cared… so deeply. I have truly learned how much I can care for a person if I allow myself to. Things went great and then they didn’t.

To be honest, besides losing a loved one to cancer, I have never cried harder and doubted more than when things ended with the last person. I remember just trying to get through my day and repeating the process over and over again. The wait with bated breath at the possible text back, even after the fact that you both know it’s over. After both rounds, I’m a bit raw and more sensitive than usual. I’m scared to feel as strongly and I’m definitely afraid to show it now too. Somewhere in my mind it’s rationalizing that the show of no emotions will make things better.

Currently, the person I’m talking to is a bit of an odd case. We honestly only met recently, but we talked online probably more than 6 months ago. I’m a bit impatient and waiting a month and a half to meet didn’t sit well with me. I’ve experienced people talking with me just to grab that emotional support but never actually wanting to meet up. On top of that, his name is the same name of the last guy that never wanted to meet up with me, but used me for the conversation and emotional reigns (he’s another story all together). Either way, it triggered something in me so fast that I’m surprised I held out for a month and a half. I recognized it earlier on and I tried to give this person all the benefits I could think of. I remember seeing very little effort on his part and no explanation. No action or even a hint of wanting or trying to make plans with me. I thought it was one sided and I truly called him out on it. We made tentative plans but he never got back to me and I remember thinking, “Well, that’s it” but also being so upset. I’m not sure what I felt but there was a crazy connection we had and I knew we had to meet.

Well, we tried again, but the conversation was so few and in between that I felt he still wasn’t interested. We tried to meet up but things fell through for legitimate reasons. Conversation turned to just a couple weeks and I truly felt like he wasn’t interested at all, that he wanted to only screw me and nothing else. I ended it this time, just trying to explain that I felt there was no effort on both parts at all. I was talking to someone else and they were making more of an effort to meet up multiple times than he was.

Now, fast forward 6 months and here I am. Extremely catious and very guarded. I believe him and I dont. We’re taking it slow, but I’m doubting things immediately. I am trying not to think so negatively but it’s difficult.

My heart was literally chewed up and spit out with these last couple people; I’m a bit more fragile now. I’m doubting myself and I’m doubting him… im just not sure if I’m being irrational or not. My emotions make me run a bit haywire.

I’m scared to let myself feel right away – to accept his messages as true until I see action.

I’m scared that all I’m doing is pushing people away.
I’m scared to feel that strongly again.

Dating, Relationships

I’m always told that passion is important in everything you do. I’m also told that timing is everything. Effort. Same pages. Same chapters. Same books.

I don’t even have the care to write it all down, but they’re the same advice that I give out to people when less than desirable things happen to them. I hate giving myself the same advice, yet I find myself repeating it – chanting it, like a mantra.

You both need to be on the same page.
He isn’t giving you the effort you deserve.
He would have made time if he cared.
Timing is everything.
Know your worth.
Stop.

Fuck it all. Things happen to me and I am exhausted. I am fed up. I have every right to be angry and yet I can’t bring it to myself to be. Instead, I go on with my day. I flip pages and get paper cuts. I see the blood. I don’t feel it at all. I just wipe it away. I just become… numb.

Time is nothing to me and all I wanna do is just sit in silence. My mind literally has a million questions floating around; none of which I want to answer.

I make no sense. This makes no sense. All I know is that I am

fed up
hurt
done

I’m tired.

(Un)expected

Dating, Flirting, Lifestyle, Meeting New People, Relationships, Self-Discovery

Online dating is such a weird experience for me. I always find myself going back for a few months, then deleting it. My friend calls it persistence – I used to call it boredom. The thing is, I tend to get glimpses of people when they message me.

I’ve gotten all types of messages through my online dating experiences. I’ve gotten propositions, I’ve been yelled at (for not responding), I’ve been assumed to being pretentious for not responding, and I’ve gotten the ever persistent ones who start out nice and then start to get desperate by the 5th message. I’m not saying that every guy that has messaged me has done this or is in one of these categories, but there are those few messages that make me wonder why they think that those lines would work?

No, I will not sit on your face. I’m sorry, I decline a NYE proposition to your hotel in whatever state you want. Again, not obligated to answer back to you and as always, I won’t respond back to you if you blatantly insult me and then ask how my day is going. It’s always these messages, that people remember. What people never really reflect on, are the people that message you in a way, that makes you smile or want to message back.

Everyone, there are definitely good people out there in online dating – it’ll just take a while to sift through the sand and grit of the pool. I’ve found a few of them myself, but when it goes offline… that’s when things get weird for me.

Most of my more successful matches or… conversations, have ended up being hookups. I felt like I continuously found these people who I would have great or decent conversations with and then it would never get past the physical. I’m used to moving fast in that sense. No emotions. No vulnerability. Definitely fun, but no fulfillment. It comes down to, what do I want? What can I handle? What can I take?

I mean, sex is always fun. I don’t regret those hookups, but then I find myself just wandering in what should be the norm. What is the norm? I’m the type of person that likes to go with the flow, that likes to have fun. How do I find more fulfilling relationships, even if they are short-lived? Through my months of online dating and meeting people, I always found myself asking those questions after every person I met.

Looking back, I’ve definitely changed in how I approach online dating and who I respond to. I am definitely more confident in myself and I am not afraid to act like myself around perfect strangers. The way I converse with them is more honest and genuine in what I’m looking for, even if I don’t entirely know what it is. I desire a healthy conversation over small talk. I look for people being genuine with me in who they are, rather than impressing me. I’m being as vulnerable as I will allow myself to be, because I think it’s one of the few ways that I can find a real connection that will last. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I am a very guarded person and I second guess everything I say or do. Currently, I’m scared that I may have messed things up. But of course, I could just simply be overthinking everything.

This is why online dating is so weird for me. I never know how to act, or what to expect. Sometimes, the people I never expect to make such an impact in my life, do. I’ve found myself speaking so honestly, taking risks, and oddly enough, finding hope in others.

I deleted it once again. I grew irritated with the messages and the mindless scrolling. Maybe this time, I’ll learn another fact about myself.

This time, I’ll approach things a little bit differently. Someday. Somehow.

You Wouldn’t Want Me

Dating, Flirting, Relationships, Writing

You wouldn’t want me to date you.

I’d be too much for you, too demanding. I have a sarcastic response for every comment you throw my way. I smirk at your comments instead of smiling and saying, “okay.” I’d make fun of you constantly and laugh at your faults – don’t worry, I’d probably be laughing at mine too. I’d always be reading, never paying you any mind. I’d be too boisterous, too loud, too challenging.

But, if I did… Oh god, if we did..

I will want to know your passions and desires. To watch you grow chasing them, will bring me nothing be pleasure. Don’t be mistaken, I’ll chase after mine too, because I will do nothing short of achieving my dreams. I will relish in understanding them with you, just so that you have someone to express this interest to. Even if I don’t understand it, I’ll ask you questions and engage you in it. I think nothing is sexier in a person than intellect and passion for something they believe in.

I will think of you. Constantly. I won’t text you or bother you too often about that, but you will be on my mind. Think about this, if I am interested in you – why wouldn’t I think of you? I am not one to play it cool and detached. Why the hell is society all about that? If you do that to me, I genuinely think you’re not interested. I’m not asking you to text me every hour… or even every few hours. I understand we all get busy. It does not mean I care less for you. Honestly, i’m probably itching to talk to you as soon as I get off work.

Obviously I’ll want to get physical with you. To me, touching each other – even holding hands gives me pleasure. I will want to kiss you every chance I get and I will savor the small moments I have with you. I will want to know what turns you on and what you prefer. I would desire nothing but to please you, because it would please me too. But for me, those small moments make the biggest impact for me. Holding hands, the quick small kisses, the laughter as we explore each other, the curve of your lips as it molds into a smile against mine.

I will take all our small moments and make them big in my mind. To me, the simplest of gestures such as remembering my birthday and celebrating between the two of us is something i’ll cherish. Homemade gifts are more my style and if you put heart into it, I’ll appreciate it even more. I’ve never been the person to desire big gestures in my life. I will constantly do something new because I do not believe in stagnation. I will be weird and spontaneous because it’s truly what makes me the person I am.

I will laugh out loud in public places and cause a scene everywhere we go. I will randomly dance out of nowhere and hum my favorite tune. I will pay attention to your quirks and admire them because it’s what makes you, you. I will tease you till you smile, till you laugh, till you frown.

I will memorize every little detail of you, like a story in my mind.

Oh, but that’s only if we date.

You wouldn’t want to date me.

Flip that Switch & Smile

Dating, Meeting New People, Relationships, Self-Discovery

Is it bad that I’ve become emotionally detached?

Sometimes, I think it’s horrible.
Most of the time, it’s not. At least, it doesn’t matter too much to me when I want only one thing from a person.

There are times that I think that being emotionally detached is the best method to get through life. I have certain goals and ambitions that require a lot of attention. When I got focused on a person, I would get complacent. Im scared of doing that again. I don’t want to lose myself in another person because I have taken years to really build who I am. To love myself, trust myself, and essentially date myself. I love my little quirks and nuances – I think I’m hilarious. (Please note: the keyword is “I”… you don’t have to agree with me.)

But In reality, I am an emotional person who believes in passion and the complexities of the human emotion. I think it’s beautiful the way we cry when something amazing happens, or the way our hearts pound and our fingers tremble when we are familiarizing ourselves with a romantic interest. It’s an unsettling, yet pleasant feeling, the way we lose ourselves in the landscape of emotions. I keep believing in love at first sight, faeries, and the hope that kids have about our world. Our emotions are amazing and can be a determining factor in our decision making.

Which brings me to my next point: dating.

I have the best love/hate relationship with it. I love meeting new people and understanding what makes them tick. To get to know someone new that you never thought you would ever get to know. To expand your knowledge and to feel a broad range of emotions about one person. Then, there are times that I am tired of meeting the same type of people over and over again. I get numbed by the action of dating or by the expectations I set for that person. Some reach those expectations and some don’t. I become ridiculously jaded and I leave the online dating world. I start to expect similar patterns from so many different people. Then, that makes me question – are my expectations of these patterns manifesting in the people I meet, just because I expect it to?

Which then brings me back to … online dating. Just to give it another shot.

Unfortunately, I am currently tired. I am emotionally numb to what I expect from others. Right now, it is more of, what the hell am I expecting now? I tell myself I am too busy, that I am in grad school, and that I barely have time for myself. As soon as I tell myself this, I start to detach – I lose interest and I barely reach out. Texting others is too laborious and making that effort is ridiculously low on my to-do list. I blame it on the fact that I’ve been single for so long. I also blame it on the fact that I can’t trust what a lot of people say (and I have given so many people, the benefit of the doubt). Overall, I blame it on the fact that I am also scared.

I re-read this and I sound dramatic, but I think it’s the ultimate truth. I am scared to let myself feel so strongly. I am an emotional person, just another reminder. I am not emotional to the point where I will cling to you every second of every day and act like I need you to agree with me on everything. No. I firmly believe in being your own person in a relationship. But, when I feel strongly for a person, it’ll be hard for me to come back.

I am the person who loves deeply, but you would never expect it from the way I act. I am nonchalant, easy-going, and carefree. I am serious but apparently only when it comes to my passions. I challenge others to challenge myself. I am sarcastic, feisty, but quiet and observant. I constantly have my guard up … and then some. Sometimes you can’t tell if I like you or not. Once I let someone in, well, that’ s what I’m scared of.

To be honest, I have been scarred with years of rejection. From people choosing my friends over me. To not being physically attractive for them. From people only seeing me as a friend. For being too weird. Too quirky. Too passionate. Too… involved. To being chosen only because I’m a certain race. To being assumed that I’m a certain way because of my stereotypes. Assuming that I only care about certain things when I care about so much more. Assuming that I wear makeup to get away with things. Assuming that when I look pretty I don’t think care about things.

Every single one of these assumptions. Every single one of these rejections. Have emotionally hardened me. I have been through so much emotionally that I have had enough. One person I was dating told me to not get jaded from these interactions, and I told him I treat every new interaction with an open mind. Well, there are half truths to that. I do treat every interaction with an open mind – but it’s too late to tell me not to get jaded.

Hence, I get emotionally detached. It is alarmingly easy for me. It’s like a light switch. As soon as I convince myself that this is too much, that the person isn’t interested anymore – *flip*

The notion that I can do that so easily makes me laugh. It has taken years of training, of reassuring myself that I am enough. I tell myself that all the time, because I guess I tend to meet people who expect certain things from me. They dismiss my awkward moments and sarcasm. They don’t appreciate it when I talk about big ideas, or they can’t fathom it and my thoughts just wash over them. My initial gut feeling, then comes into play and I tell myself, “Camille – it’ll be okay. Just… *flip*”

And I play that role so well – so convincingly, that you don’t even notice when i’ve flipped the switch. You’ll only notice it in the decreasing amount of text messages, the minimal effort in responding, the absence of a text or message. The lack of responses. It’s a way of protecting myself and i’m not saying it’s the healthiest thing to do.

So, being emotionally detached is my thing. It’s my defense system. I will still smile at you, but I am already at my maximum level of detachment.

But there are a few that have gotten under my skin. They’ve gotten under that barrier and have taken a peek. Which makes this emotionally detached thing a little harder to do at the moment.

And it scares the hell out of me.