Tumblr has this power to consume hours of my life before I realize that I have done nothing with my day. Usually, it is my procrastination tool. Today, it had shown me a post that I resonated with:
“Who else thinks love is overrated until your head hits that mf pillow at night and you realize you’re all alone and want to bond with someone’s heart”
I have continuously wanted to give up on love, to write it off and just live my best life. I did that for a while, but I continuously found myself ridiculously lonely at night. I recognized that I had friends that made me happy, hobbies that i enjoyed, that I had the time all for myself. I truly did enjoy it.
Then. I decided to just live my best life and date. WHy? Why did I DO that!?
I’m kidding… a little bit.
The point is, I got a taste of what it felt to be wanted. To want someone. To want to get to know someone and their passions. To feel that ambiguous intangible blob of feelings towards a person and not know what to do.
I’ve determined that after dating, I’ve always craved the want to bond with someone else’s heart. To share my innermost feelings and workings of my brain. To enjoy the reserved look on their face when they start talking about what they’re truly interested in. Smiling as their face morphs into quick unabashed joy as they realize you’re truly interested in what they have to say. The quick realization that they’re gushing and the stop in conversation as they try to play off their excitement as “it’s not really a big deal..” when we both know, yeah – that was a big deal.
To learn about their life. What annoys them, what frustrates them, and how they feel about certain situations in their life. I tend to be attracted to the person when they talk about their passions. When they talk about things that make them tick. Things that keep them up at night.
I think because I want to connect with someone in that way, I allow myself to become vulnerable to a person that asks those questions of me. I may reveal too much. Honestly, I’ve noticed that I just end up feeling more lonely when I do so.
I want to bond with someone else’s heart but… I’ve been burned badly the last few times and it just… hurts.
But I don’t want to assume that everyone is out to do that – so I continue getting burned and I continue opening my heart to people in the hopes that someone comes along, wanting the same thing too.