Is it bad that I’ve become emotionally detached?
Sometimes, I think it’s horrible.
Most of the time, it’s not. At least, it doesn’t matter too much to me when I want only one thing from a person.
There are times that I think that being emotionally detached is the best method to get through life. I have certain goals and ambitions that require a lot of attention. When I got focused on a person, I would get complacent. Im scared of doing that again. I don’t want to lose myself in another person because I have taken years to really build who I am. To love myself, trust myself, and essentially date myself. I love my little quirks and nuances – I think I’m hilarious. (Please note: the keyword is “I”… you don’t have to agree with me.)
But In reality, I am an emotional person who believes in passion and the complexities of the human emotion. I think it’s beautiful the way we cry when something amazing happens, or the way our hearts pound and our fingers tremble when we are familiarizing ourselves with a romantic interest. It’s an unsettling, yet pleasant feeling, the way we lose ourselves in the landscape of emotions. I keep believing in love at first sight, faeries, and the hope that kids have about our world. Our emotions are amazing and can be a determining factor in our decision making.
Which brings me to my next point: dating.
I have the best love/hate relationship with it. I love meeting new people and understanding what makes them tick. To get to know someone new that you never thought you would ever get to know. To expand your knowledge and to feel a broad range of emotions about one person. Then, there are times that I am tired of meeting the same type of people over and over again. I get numbed by the action of dating or by the expectations I set for that person. Some reach those expectations and some don’t. I become ridiculously jaded and I leave the online dating world. I start to expect similar patterns from so many different people. Then, that makes me question – are my expectations of these patterns manifesting in the people I meet, just because I expect it to?
Which then brings me back to … online dating. Just to give it another shot.
Unfortunately, I am currently tired. I am emotionally numb to what I expect from others. Right now, it is more of, what the hell am I expecting now? I tell myself I am too busy, that I am in grad school, and that I barely have time for myself. As soon as I tell myself this, I start to detach – I lose interest and I barely reach out. Texting others is too laborious and making that effort is ridiculously low on my to-do list. I blame it on the fact that I’ve been single for so long. I also blame it on the fact that I can’t trust what a lot of people say (and I have given so many people, the benefit of the doubt). Overall, I blame it on the fact that I am also scared.
I re-read this and I sound dramatic, but I think it’s the ultimate truth. I am scared to let myself feel so strongly. I am an emotional person, just another reminder. I am not emotional to the point where I will cling to you every second of every day and act like I need you to agree with me on everything. No. I firmly believe in being your own person in a relationship. But, when I feel strongly for a person, it’ll be hard for me to come back.
I am the person who loves deeply, but you would never expect it from the way I act. I am nonchalant, easy-going, and carefree. I am serious but apparently only when it comes to my passions. I challenge others to challenge myself. I am sarcastic, feisty, but quiet and observant. I constantly have my guard up … and then some. Sometimes you can’t tell if I like you or not. Once I let someone in, well, that’ s what I’m scared of.
To be honest, I have been scarred with years of rejection. From people choosing my friends over me. To not being physically attractive for them. From people only seeing me as a friend. For being too weird. Too quirky. Too passionate. Too… involved. To being chosen only because I’m a certain race. To being assumed that I’m a certain way because of my stereotypes. Assuming that I only care about certain things when I care about so much more. Assuming that I wear makeup to get away with things. Assuming that when I look pretty I don’t think care about things.
Every single one of these assumptions. Every single one of these rejections. Have emotionally hardened me. I have been through so much emotionally that I have had enough. One person I was dating told me to not get jaded from these interactions, and I told him I treat every new interaction with an open mind. Well, there are half truths to that. I do treat every interaction with an open mind – but it’s too late to tell me not to get jaded.
Hence, I get emotionally detached. It is alarmingly easy for me. It’s like a light switch. As soon as I convince myself that this is too much, that the person isn’t interested anymore – *flip*
The notion that I can do that so easily makes me laugh. It has taken years of training, of reassuring myself that I am enough. I tell myself that all the time, because I guess I tend to meet people who expect certain things from me. They dismiss my awkward moments and sarcasm. They don’t appreciate it when I talk about big ideas, or they can’t fathom it and my thoughts just wash over them. My initial gut feeling, then comes into play and I tell myself, “Camille – it’ll be okay. Just… *flip*”
And I play that role so well – so convincingly, that you don’t even notice when i’ve flipped the switch. You’ll only notice it in the decreasing amount of text messages, the minimal effort in responding, the absence of a text or message. The lack of responses. It’s a way of protecting myself and i’m not saying it’s the healthiest thing to do.
So, being emotionally detached is my thing. It’s my defense system. I will still smile at you, but I am already at my maximum level of detachment.
But there are a few that have gotten under my skin. They’ve gotten under that barrier and have taken a peek. Which makes this emotionally detached thing a little harder to do at the moment.
And it scares the hell out of me.