Lonely Hearts

Tumblr has this power to consume hours of my life before I realize that I have done nothing with my day. Usually, it is my procrastination tool. Today, it had shown me a post that I resonated with:

“Who else thinks love is overrated until your head hits that mf pillow at night and you realize you’re all alone and want to bond with someone’s heart”

I have continuously wanted to give up on love, to write it off and just live my best life. I did that for a while, but I continuously found myself ridiculously lonely at night. I recognized that I had friends that made me happy, hobbies that i enjoyed, that I had the time all for myself. I truly did enjoy it.

Then. I decided to just live my best life and date. WHy? Why did I DO that!?
I’m kidding… a little bit.

The point is, I got a taste of what it felt to be wanted. To want someone. To want to get to know someone and their passions. To feel that ambiguous intangible blob of feelings towards a person and not know what to do.

 

I’ve determined that after dating, I’ve always craved the want to bond with someone else’s heart. To share my innermost feelings and workings of my brain. To enjoy the reserved look on their face when they start talking about what they’re truly interested in. Smiling as their face morphs into quick unabashed joy as they realize you’re truly interested in what they have to say. The quick realization that they’re gushing and the stop in conversation as they try to play off their excitement as “it’s not really a big deal..” when we both know, yeah – that was a big deal.

To learn about their life. What annoys them, what frustrates them, and how they feel about certain situations in their life. I tend to be attracted to the person when they talk about their passions. When they talk about things that make them tick. Things that keep them up at night.

I think because I want to connect with someone in that way, I allow myself to become vulnerable to a person that asks those questions of me. I may reveal too much. Honestly, I’ve noticed that I just end up feeling more lonely when I do so.

I want to bond with someone else’s heart but… I’ve been burned badly the last few times and it just… hurts.

 

But I don’t want to assume that everyone is out to do that – so I continue getting burned and I continue opening my heart to people in the hopes that someone comes along, wanting the same thing too.

I am a very patient woman.
I am probably too patient.

At least, in the events that transpired the last couple weeks, I have truly recognized this trait in myself.

 

Remember the guy from the last blog post? Well… he’s back in my life.
I think it’s a bit different this time but my hesitation is still the same. The one main difference is the fact that he also helped me through a rough emotional transition — with another guy.

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Will I Be Enough?

‘Am I enough?’   This question always makes me stop and reflect. I see past crushes flash through my mind, past lovers and their heated gazes, current love interests, and how I allowed myself to be treated by all of them.

Have I been enough?
Will I be enough?

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I’m always told that passion is important in everything you do. I’m also told that timing is everything. Effort. Same pages. Same chapters. Same books.

I don’t even have the care to write it all down, but they’re the same advice that I give out to people when less than desirable things happen to them. I hate giving myself the same advice, yet I find myself repeating it – chanting it, like a mantra.

You both need to be on the same page.
He isn’t giving you the effort you deserve.
He would have made time if he cared.
Timing is everything.
Know your worth.
Stop.

Fuck it all. Things happen to me and I am exhausted. I am fed up. I have every right to be angry and yet I can’t bring it to myself to be. Instead, I go on with my day. I flip pages and get paper cuts. I see the blood. I don’t feel it at all. I just wipe it away. I just become… numb.

Time is nothing to me and all I wanna do is just sit in silence. My mind literally has a million questions floating around; none of which I want to answer.

I make no sense. This makes no sense. All I know is that I am

fed up
hurt
done

I’m tired.

(Un)expected

Online dating is such a weird experience for me. I always find myself going back for a few months, then deleting it. My friend calls it persistence – I used to call it boredom. The thing is, I tend to get glimpses of people when they message me.

I’ve gotten all types of messages through my online dating experiences. I’ve gotten propositions, I’ve been yelled at (for not responding), I’ve been assumed to being pretentious for not responding, and I’ve gotten the ever persistent ones who start out nice and then start to get desperate by the 5th message. I’m not saying that every guy that has messaged me has done this or is in one of these categories, but there are those few messages that make me wonder why they think that those lines would work?

No, I will not sit on your face. I’m sorry, I decline a NYE proposition to your hotel in whatever state you want. Again, not obligated to answer back to you and as always, I won’t respond back to you if you blatantly insult me and then ask how my day is going. It’s always these messages, that people remember. What people never really reflect on, are the people that message you in a way, that makes you smile or want to message back.

Everyone, there are definitely good people out there in online dating – it’ll just take a while to sift through the sand and grit of the pool. I’ve found a few of them myself, but when it goes offline… that’s when things get weird for me.

Most of my more successful matches or… conversations, have ended up being hookups. I felt like I continuously found these people who I would have great or decent conversations with and then it would never get past the physical. I’m used to moving fast in that sense. No emotions. No vulnerability. Definitely fun, but no fulfillment. It comes down to, what do I want? What can I handle? What can I take?

I mean, sex is always fun. I don’t regret those hookups, but then I find myself just wandering in what should be the norm. What is the norm? I’m the type of person that likes to go with the flow, that likes to have fun. How do I find more fulfilling relationships, even if they are short-lived? Through my months of online dating and meeting people, I always found myself asking those questions after every person I met.

Looking back, I’ve definitely changed in how I approach online dating and who I respond to. I am definitely more confident in myself and I am not afraid to act like myself around perfect strangers. The way I converse with them is more honest and genuine in what I’m looking for, even if I don’t entirely know what it is. I desire a healthy conversation over small talk. I look for people being genuine with me in who they are, rather than impressing me. I’m being as vulnerable as I will allow myself to be, because I think it’s one of the few ways that I can find a real connection that will last. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I am a very guarded person and I second guess everything I say or do. Currently, I’m scared that I may have messed things up. But of course, I could just simply be overthinking everything.

This is why online dating is so weird for me. I never know how to act, or what to expect. Sometimes, the people I never expect to make such an impact in my life, do. I’ve found myself speaking so honestly, taking risks, and oddly enough, finding hope in others.

I deleted it once again. I grew irritated with the messages and the mindless scrolling. Maybe this time, I’ll learn another fact about myself.

This time, I’ll approach things a little bit differently. Someday. Somehow.