The end of summer is coming to a close.
The nights are getting cooler and my mornings are not as chaotic.
My body is starting to find a rhythm like it once did these past few years.
Here I am, a Saturday night, sitting in a Starbucks studying for my licensure – but failing at focusing to do so.
Stress and anxiety start to pour into my body, making me aware of my physical ailments –
eyes strained from staring at the laptop screen
exhaustion taking over
shoulders tense from hunching over
I look around and I notice the people gathered in the coffee shop. Friends meeting and catching up on each others’ lives. Couples gathered and being affectionate towards each other. People interested in each other, flirting and catching up.
As I see these couples, my heart aches.
I am unfortunately reminded of how I want that interest in my life.
The excitement of getting to know each other and the warm feeling of being near that person you’re interested in.
I miss… feeling.
… I miss… god, I miss so much about liking someone and being liked back in return.
Whenever I feel this way, I look at my life and the trajectory of everything I am doing. I’m studying for my LMSW exam coming up soon, I want to work and get my Ph.D. to continue research, and I want to do so much more than just the clinical aspect of my career.
I have so much to do and work up to. I have just barely begun to scratch the surface of my career.
… am I ready emotionally for any type of relationship?
Honestly, I don’t think so. I want to be – I miss everything about dating and getting to know a person. Unfortunately, as soon as I find someone I become interested in, somehow they tend to be unavailable for me.
So, I tend to settle for casual situations – where we both get our physical needs. As fun as these situations are all it does is make me realize how much I also have an emotional need that needs to be fulfilled.
I realize that I need to take myself out of these situations or find something else that occupies my time.
Romantic relationships aren’t everything in my life
… but they sure are nice to have.