I am a very patient woman.
I am probably too patient.
At least, in the events that transpired the last couple weeks, I have truly recognized this trait in myself.
Remember the guy from the last blog post? Well… he’s back in my life.
I think it’s a bit different this time but my hesitation is still the same. The one main difference is the fact that he also helped me through a rough emotional transition — with another guy.
When you walk into a coffee shop with your friends and the guy you’re casually hooking up with is on a date… and now you know exactly why he wasn’t free tonight.
#awkward
Online dating is such a weird experience for me. I always find myself going back for a few months, then deleting it. My friend calls it persistence – I used to call it boredom. The thing is, I tend to get glimpses of people when they message me.
I’ve gotten all types of messages through my online dating experiences. I’ve gotten propositions, I’ve been yelled at (for not responding), I’ve been assumed to being pretentious for not responding, and I’ve gotten the ever persistent ones who start out nice and then start to get desperate by the 5th message. I’m not saying that every guy that has messaged me has done this or is in one of these categories, but there are those few messages that make me wonder why they think that those lines would work?
No, I will not sit on your face. I’m sorry, I decline a NYE proposition to your hotel in whatever state you want. Again, not obligated to answer back to you and as always, I won’t respond back to you if you blatantly insult me and then ask how my day is going. It’s always these messages, that people remember. What people never really reflect on, are the people that message you in a way, that makes you smile or want to message back.
Everyone, there are definitely good people out there in online dating – it’ll just take a while to sift through the sand and grit of the pool. I’ve found a few of them myself, but when it goes offline… that’s when things get weird for me.
Most of my more successful matches or… conversations, have ended up being hookups. I felt like I continuously found these people who I would have great or decent conversations with and then it would never get past the physical. I’m used to moving fast in that sense. No emotions. No vulnerability. Definitely fun, but no fulfillment. It comes down to, what do I want? What can I handle? What can I take?
I mean, sex is always fun. I don’t regret those hookups, but then I find myself just wandering in what should be the norm. What is the norm? I’m the type of person that likes to go with the flow, that likes to have fun. How do I find more fulfilling relationships, even if they are short-lived? Through my months of online dating and meeting people, I always found myself asking those questions after every person I met.
Looking back, I’ve definitely changed in how I approach online dating and who I respond to. I am definitely more confident in myself and I am not afraid to act like myself around perfect strangers. The way I converse with them is more honest and genuine in what I’m looking for, even if I don’t entirely know what it is. I desire a healthy conversation over small talk. I look for people being genuine with me in who they are, rather than impressing me. I’m being as vulnerable as I will allow myself to be, because I think it’s one of the few ways that I can find a real connection that will last. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I am a very guarded person and I second guess everything I say or do. Currently, I’m scared that I may have messed things up. But of course, I could just simply be overthinking everything.
This is why online dating is so weird for me. I never know how to act, or what to expect. Sometimes, the people I never expect to make such an impact in my life, do. I’ve found myself speaking so honestly, taking risks, and oddly enough, finding hope in others.
I deleted it once again. I grew irritated with the messages and the mindless scrolling. Maybe this time, I’ll learn another fact about myself.
This time, I’ll approach things a little bit differently. Someday. Somehow.
Life. That's it. Just Life. 